Not Quite According to Plan
by nicnac918
Summary: Clark decides to help Lex come up with a friendship plan. This goes about as well as you would expect. Sixth in the Friendship Plan


AN: Another birthday gift for josephina_x. This time I'm only a week and a half late. Progress! She requested "Anything Smallville? Mini-fanfic?" Probably she meant mini as in short, but I decide to go in a... different direction.

Also, remember the part a the beginning of the episode Kandor, where the onscreen subtitles establish the flashbacks as taking place twenty years before the destruction? Well that was a typo, they meant to say fiveyears. *nods*

And Brainiac was obviously evil even before General Zod messed with the programming. Everyone knows it takes at least two tries to make an AI that doesn't want to rebel against it's organic overlords. See: Lore & Data in ST:TNG, T-800 & it's remolded version in the first two Terminators, V.I.K.I. and Sonny in I, Robot, and Brainiac and Brainiac 5 in the original comics for proof.

* * *

Since they've become friends again, Clark has learned two things about Lex. (Actually, he's learned a lot of things, but two in particular that he's thinking about right now.) The first was this: Lex was really good at coming up with friendship plans. He had books and books filled with them, some of which were obvious, but others that Clark would have never thought could be friendship things – Frankenstein, really? – and some that were just really obscure – who had ever even heard of Lady Susan, never mind how Lex managed to rework it into a friendship plan. (When he'd asked, Clark had been assured that the unusually high ratio of children's media in these plans was due to Lara's influence, but he had heard about this 'bronies' thing and was suspicious of Lex's claims.)

The second thing Clark had learned was this: Lex was really bad at friendship plans. Somehow, despite the many, many attempts he had made, not a single one had worked. Granted, a fair number of times things had fallen through because Clark had done something he wasn't supposed to or hadn't done something he was, but even those could be construed as Lex's fault, since he categorically refuse to give Clark a heads up as to what they'd be doing when.

The obvious solution to the problem caused by the second of these things was to have Clark come up with the plan for their next recreation; Clark wasn't the best planner ever, but it couldn't be worse than any of Lex's attempts. Of course, that was when he ran head first into the problem caused by the first of these things. Any possible idea that Clark could come up with, Lex had already had and had planned it out meticulously.

He was thinking over this problem when he stopped by the Fortress. He didn't come up this way very often any more, partially because with the Justice League finally coming together as a team, issues with Lex aside, he found himself less in need of a retreat, and partially because Lex had absolutely refused to allow Lara to visit the Fortress, and had strongly discouraged Conner form the same. Lex cited Jor-El being a negative influence as to his reasoning, and what, was Clark supposed to argue with that? So now his trips up to the Artic were limited to times when Kryptonian technology might prove useful, as well as once a week just to check and make sure that everything was okay. He hadn't had any trouble with people breaking in lately, especially since he found out there was an actual security system aside from the Jor-El AI sometimes freezing people when he felt like it, but Clark was still alert to the possibility.

So he was understandably alarmed when he flew in and spotted an unfamiliar bottle sitting on a table that had been placed right in the middle of the main area of the Fortress. His concern was unnecessary, though, he discovered when he spotted underneath the bottle a note with a distressing number of curly-cues and I's with little hearts for dots. Kara must have picked that up in the future somewhere, because her handwriting had never been that bad before she moved. Clark scanned the short letter – the one good thing to be said about Kara's handwriting was it contrasted amusingly with her typical succinct verbiage – and started to smile. Now there was an idea.

* * *

"No." Lex didn't even look up from the papers he was working on – covered in neat handwritten equations with more letters than numbers, so probably something for his graduate degree – before dismissing Clark. Immediately after checking to make sure that Kara hadn't been up to anything else during her visit, Clark had flown to the penthouse to find Lex to share his great idea, before Lex could start digging into Kryptonian myths and steal it too. Lex, however, was less than enthused.

"C'mon on Lex, it'll be fun," Clark said, whining a bit and looking at Lex with big green eyes. That particular tactic should have started working less as Clark got older, but it hadn't so far, so he'd continue to use it shamelessly while he could.

Lex finally pushed the papers aside to give Clark his attention. "I'm less worried about how fun it may or may not be, and more worried about the fact that you're obviously trying to trick me into joining the Justice League."

Clark hadn't been planning anything of the sort; he really just thought it sounded fun. Although… Lex joining the Justice League was a standing disagreement between the two of them. Lex refused on the grounds that he didn't want to be a part of any group where 75% of the members hated him (he was largely unimpressed with Clark's insistence that it was really only like half of them that didn't like him). Clark thought he should join because both Batman and Mera wanted him to, and their team-up was the most terrifying thing he had ever seen, including Apokolips heading straight toward Earth and that one time he had walked in on Lionel hitting on his mom and his mom hadn't immediately told him off. (What _was_ more terrifying than the Batman-Mera team was the thought that had his mom not seen Clark standing there, she might not have said no at all, but he ruthlessly suppressed that any time it emerged from his subconscious, so it wasn't available for comparison.)

"I'm not trying to trick you into anything. Besides, I did the _My Little Pony_ thing with you, so you owe me."

"With me and Lara," Lex corrected, and Clark supposed he could see how that might be an important distinction. "So in this scenario of yours, am I Moltres or Lugia?"

Clark frowned. That was an important piece of Kryptonian cultural history Lex was belittling… probably. Either that or Jor-El had just been really into the Kryptonian equivalent of Pokémon. Really, it could go either way. "I was thinking I would be Nightwing and you could be Flamebird, but either one is fine with me."

Lex sighed and tapped his fingers on his desk. Clark fidgeted a bit, but didn't interrupt Lex's thinking process. Doing so, Clark had discovered, usually caused Lex to deliberately be uncooperative just to spite Clark, so Clark had been trying to avoid that kind of behavior lately, with mixed success. Finally Lex said, "If we do this, we'll have to scope Kandor out first. No repeats of the VRA incident and I don't want to show up and find out there's already a pair of idiots running around calling themselves Nightwing and Flamebird."

So basically, Lex wanted to spend the day wandering around Kandor with him. If it all went well, they could follow it up with Clark's friendship plan _and_ Clark would have a good starting point from which to convince Lex that the two of them and Conner and Lara needed to go Kandor so as to teach the kids about their Kryptonian heritage. If it went poorly, then Clark and Lex could team-up to get themselves out of there, which was really the main idea behind the Nightwing and Flamebird recreation anyway. Sounded like a win-win to Clark. "Deal."

* * *

Kandor turned out to be, like a lot of Kryptonian things aside from their technology, disappointingly Earth-like. Most everyone they passed were wearing loose robe-like garments similar to the ones that Clark and Lex had gotten from the Fortress at Lex's insistence, and there was something of a crystal spires aesthetic to the place, but other than it seemed to be extremely similar to every other big city Clark had ever been in. Still, he supposed there was something to be learned from the very fact of the sameness. Lex appeared to find it interesting enough at least.

"_Jor-El_?" Clark turned to look at the man – about his age or maybe a few years older with dark hair and dark eyes – that had grabbed his arm. Before Clark could correct him, the man let go and began apologizing, speaking again in rapid Kryptonian. "_My apologies. Of course you could not be Jor-El. I was merely surprised by the how similar you look to how he did in pictures I have seen of him at our age._"

It took a minute for Clark to parse out what the man had said; having a language downloaded directly into your brain really was no substitute for speaking it and hearing it spoken on a regular basis. But once he had, he was eminently _not_ surprised that he had somehow managed to run into another former acquaintance of his father's. His life just worked like that. Well, he was running a three to four ratio on his father's old friends being evil versus not, which was pretty good odds by Clark's standards. _"Your confusion is understandable; I have been told I look very much like my father when he was young. I am Kal-El, son of Jor-El."_

"_Cousin!"_ the man exclaimed, wrapping Clark in a tight embrace. _"It is good to finally meet you."_

That was unexpected. Clark was pretty sure Kara would have mentioned if they had another cousin. Maybe Lara Lor-Van had had siblings? _"Cousin?"_

"_Not by blood, of course, but my mother has told me so much about our fathers' great friendship I feel as though they were brothers."_ Suddenly, alarms started going off in Clark's head. This man couldn't possibly be… _"I am Lor-Zod, son of Major Dru-Zod."_ He was.

Lex was _not_ going to be pleased.

"_But Kal-El,"_ Lor-Zod continued, interrupting Clark thanking every god he'd ever heard of that Lex didn't speak Kryptonian nearly as well as he read it (which still wasn't all that impressive), _"how have you come to be here? I am certain I would have heard about it before now if the great scientist Jor-El, or even just his son, were trapped in Kandor with us."_

"_That is because I was not trapped in Kandor. Kara Zor-El recently found the bottle Kandor is inside of, and brought it to me for safe-keeping until a way can be found to return your rightful size."_

"_That is wonderful news,"_ Lor-Zod said, his expression brightening immeasurably. _"I assume your father is working on this project?"_

Oh. If Kandor had, like Kara's note said, been shrunken and stolen by Brainiac – the original, not her boyfriend , though why she felt the need to clarify that he didn't know – five years before Krypton was destroyed, _they wouldn't know that Krypton had been destroyed_. Right. _"Much has happened in the past years. Perhaps we could go elsewhere to discuss it."_

Catching Clark's somber mood, Lor-Zod nodded. _"Of course. But if I may ask… my father?"_

"_He's no longer with us,"_ Clark said, and then winced. The euphemism, though necessary since he really didn't think this was the time or place to get into the whole 'your dad was so evil he got himself a life sentence to the Phantom Zone, _twice_' thing, sounded weird and clunky in Kryptonian. Hopefully Lor-Zod wouldn't take it literally.

Lor-Zod closed his eyes for a brief moment and took a breath in. _"I see. I have long suspected such – if he were still living he would no doubt have found his way back to myself and my mother by now."_ Oh good, he had misunderstood Clark the way Clark had intended. Also good: neither Tess, Faora, nor either of Lor-Zod's two half-siblings were around at the moment; that would have been awkward.

"_But the rest of your story can wait, cousin, until we reach the house of my mother. It is not far from here, and no matter what news you bring, she will be glad to meet you. And your friend too, of course_," Lor-Zod said, turning to address Lex for the first time. Lex had been doing an admirably convincing job so far of pretending his quietness was him politely allowing Clark and Lor-Zod to get acquainted and not due to him not having any idea what anyone was saying. Convincing other than his nostrils being flared. Clark was so dead. Oh well, no help for it now.

"_This is Lex Luthor, my friend and parent-of-my-children."_ How weird was it that Kryptonian actually had a separate word for baby mama?

Lor-Zod smiled. "_Clearly not all of your news is bad! Greetings, Lex Luthor. It is an honor to meet one so trusted by Kal-El."_

"_Greetings_," Lex answered, which Clark was fairly certain exhausted his knowledge of spoken Kryptonian.

Luckily Lor-Zod didn't seem to need more than that, because he turned to address Clark and said, "_Come let us go; the quicker we arrive the quicker you can tell me all."_ Lor-Zod started walking down the street, and Clark followed with Lex following him.

"Clark," Lex hissed and, yep, Clark was murdered-in-his-sleep-with-a-Kryptonian-spoon dead. "What the hell is going on?"

"Turns out this guy is an old family friend," Clark explained, hoping it came out innocent.

"You forget I've actually met Jor-El," countered Lex. Oh. Good point.

"Look, I'll tell you who he is, but I want you to remember that _your_ dad was Lionel."

"Clark!" Lex somehow yelled the word without actually raising his voice loud enough to draw their guide's notice.

"His name is Lor-Zod," Clark admitted sheepishly.

"As in_ Zod's son?"_ So, so dead. Clark could only hope that after killing him, Lex would continue to take good care of their kids.

"Lionel," Clark said pointedly.

"Yeah, and look how well I turned out," Lex retorted.

That wasn't an argument that Clark wasn't going to win at the moment, or possibly ever since he wasn't really sure how much he could apply himself to the winning of it, so he change tacks. "Jor-El was _my_ dad."

"Jonathan Kent was your dad."

"And Lor-Zod didn't have a dad," Clark concluded, effectively winning the argument. Against Lex. And actually winning from the contemplative look on Lex's face, not just out-stubborning. He felt like there should be streamers or something.

Their heated discussion finally drew Lor-Zod's attention, and he turned his head back to look at the two of them. _"Kal-El? Is there something wrong?"_

"_No,"_ Clark assured him. _"I was just telling Lex who you are. He is from Earth and cannot speak Kryptonian."_

"_My apologies! I did not realize he could not understand me. Tell me, what Earth language does Lex Luthor speak?"_

Clark figured this was probably a bad time to mention that Lor-Zod hadn't known Lex couldn't understand him because Clark deliberately hadn't told him because he didn't want Lor-Zod accidentally dropping the fact that his biological father was the genocidal maniac who had possessed Lex once before on Lex until Clark had to prep him for it. "Don't worry about it. And he speaks English," Clark said instead, switching to his native tongue.

"Ah! Well I'm sorry for the misunderstanding Lex Luthor. And I'm sorry if my English is a little… er " – he paused, clearly searching for a word – "rusty," Lor-Zod said. In a British accent.

"Why do you have a British accent?" Clark asked, confused.

"Lots of planets have a North," Lex retorted under his breath and Clark gave him a look. Ever since he'd started coming up with his friendship plans, Lex was making a lot more references than he used to. Some of which Clark got, and most of which he didn't.

"Am I saying the words wrong?" Lor-Zod asked, shooting a concerned look at the two of them.

"Of course not," Lex answered smoothly. "In fact your English is amazingly good for a non-native speaker."

"Thank you!" Lor-Zod replied beaming. "My mum spent some time on Earth when she was young – the city was called London, I think? She's the one who taught me, and she's a lot better at it than I am. My Mandarin is better than hers, though," he added with a grin.

Lex shot Clark an evil look – playful evil, not actual evil, since Lex didn't do actual evil any more, mostly – and started speaking rapid-fire in a foreign language. Mandarin, Clark assumed from the way Lor-Zod's expression brightened and he started talking back. Clark was really good with languages when he applied himself to learning them (probably a Kryptonian thing, he abruptly realized), but Mandarin wasn't one he'd gotten around to yet.

Well, there were far worse revenges Lex could have taken.

The two conversed in Mandarin for the entire walk to Lor-Zod's mom's house, with only two brief pauses – the first almost immediately when Lor-Zod realized that now Clark was being excluded from the conversation, and the second a short while later for Lor-Zod to confirm the revelation that Clark preferred to go by Clark as opposed to Kal-El, and Clark waved his apologies off both times. Even though he couldn't understand any of what was being said, Clark was enjoying himself fairly well listening to Lex and Lor-Zod talk. Lex had gone into what Clark had privately dubbed 'lecture-mode' and Lor-Zod seemed to be a very attentive and engaged listener. It was really nice; Lex needed more friends.

Before too long, Lor-Zod turned to approach one of the buildings. "This is my mum's house," he informed them, switching back to English. He knocked briefly, and then let them in. "Mum! Mum, are you home? I brought guests!"

"I'm here. Are your friends practicing their English?" asked a voice in the same crisp British accent as Lor-Zod. A moment later a woman rounded the corner, older, but still pretty with short-cropped dark hair and brown eyes.

Lor-Zod grinned at her startled expression upon seeing Clark. "Mum, this is Clark Kent, also known as Kal-El, son of Jor-El, and his friend Lex Luthor from Earth. Clark, Lex, this is my mum, Ursa."

Ursa recovered from her surprise quickly, inclining her head in Clark and Lex's direction. "The House of El and their friends are always welcome in my home. But I'm confused as to how you got here."

"It's kind of a long story," Clark said, not trying to hedge, exactly, but not entirely sure how to begin if he was going to tell the whole thing, or that the foyer was the best place to do so.

"Of course. After all these years it would have to be," she said, smiling. "Why don't we–" she broke off then, as Lor-Zod placed a hand on her shoulder and leaned in to say something softly in her ear. Clark deliberately restrained his super-hearing so as to not eavesdrop, but from the way her lips thinned and she gave a single tight nod, Clark could guess what he was saying.

"I see," Ursa said. "Lor-Zod could you get some refreshments for our guests? There're biscuits in the kitchen that I just made yesterday. I'll show them to the sitting room."

Lor-Zod looked surprised – Clark figured he had probably told her about Zod's 'death' privately so she could excuse herself for a moment alone if need be – but gave his agreement. He headed back down the way Ursa had come, while she showed Clark and Lex to a room off to the left. The sitting room was composed of the same sparseness and clean lines that were typical of Kryptonian architecture, but the couches, or close approximations thereof, were surprisingly comfortable for looking like they were made of crystal.

There was a brief, awkward silence – Clark blamed it on the distinct lack of drapes to compliment – before Ursa smiled at them in a pained way. "I'm sure by now you've guessed what my son said to me: that my husband is dead." Lex glared at Clark, though Clark wasn't sure whether he was pissed because he'd just been reminded that they were about to have biscuits – which, side note, was a really weird afternoon snack – with the wife of a power-hungry dictator, because Clark had apparently lied to the only remaining (probably) sane members of said dictator's family about his fate, or because of some other convoluted Lexian reason entirely. So Clark just threw a quick half-shrug at him and returned his attention to Ursa.

"What you have to understand is that I _did_ love my husband and he _was_ a good man, once. And for the past thirty-plus years that's how I've chosen to remember him and what I've let Lor-Zod know of him. It seemed kinder than the truth, that being in the military changed Dru-Zod, and it only got worse as he continued to rise through the ranks. And what's more, being around him like that was changing me, in ways I don't like to think about. I am not proud of the person I was then, and I owe Lor-Zod more than he will ever know, and Brainiac more than I care to admit, for helping me to find the person I am again, and for giving me the space I need to do so."

Clark opened his mouth to say something, what he wasn't sure, but Ursa held up his hand to forestall him. "I don't need, nor do I wish to know what became of him. I just need to hear you confirm that what Lor-Zod said is true, that Dru-Zod is dead and he won't be darkening my doorstep again."

This time it was Lex who was ready with a response, and it came out far smoother than anything Clark was likely to have come up with. "General Zod has been sentenced to spend out the rest of his days in the Phantom Zone for his crimes against the people of Krypton."

Ursa pursed her lips into a frown and expelled a harsh breath through her nose. "Well, I guess that'll have to be enough." Given all the trouble Zod had caused from within the Phantom Zone, Clark could understand her skeptical tone.

The sound of Lor-Zod's approaching footsteps in the hallway broke the flow of their conversation. Ursa threw a quick look at the doorway before turning back to Clark and Lex and saying in a rushed undertone, "I know that my son deserves to know the truth about his father, but I hope you will wait until I have a chance to tell him myself." There was barely time for the two of them to nod before Lor-Zod walked in, bearing a tray with four glasses of some purple beverage and a plate of what looked like chocolate chip cookies.

Huh. And Clark had been kind of looking forward to the biscuits too.

There was a short break for small talk as everyone helped themselves to the food. The treats weren't exactly chocolate chip cookies, but Ursa's own recipe made to mimic them as closely as possible using ingredients readily available in Kandor. They weren't as good as Clark' mom's, but miles better than Lois's occasional attempts, not that was saying much. The _twellian_ juice was delicious as well, though Clark still preferred milk with his cookies.

But it was only a brief respite, after which they had to turn to serious matters once again. At Ursa and Lor-Zod's expectant looks, Clark took in a deep breath and steeled himself for the conversation ahead. He still didn't know the right way to do this, so he figured he'd just jump right in. "About five years after Brainiac shrunk and stole the city of Kandor under the cloak of an attack by Black Zero, on 39 Ogtal 10,000, the planet of Krypton was destroyed. "

That out of the way, Clark backtracked to share what he knew about how the end of Krypton had come about. It wasn't as much information as Lor-Zod or Ursa, or even Clark, would have liked, but it did have the convenient side-effect of helping him keep his word to Ursa by implying that his lack of knowledge of General Zod's actions at the time in specific, was due to his general lack of knowledge of anything that had been happening. Then, he went into the details of how he and Kara had escaped their planet's destruction and made a home on Earth. Finally, he ended with an account of how Kara, now living in the future, had discovered a message from herself regarding Kandor's location, then had come back in time to collect the city to give to Clark, before writing the very same letter she had found originally.

After that, Lor-Zod insisted on a lighter topic of conversation and asked after Conner and Lara. He was somewhat surprised to find out that _Lex_ was the other parent raising them, _not_ Clark significant other, Lois. Apparently Kryptonian had a word for a highly trusted genetic donor, not baby mama. Which, all things considered, made a lot more sense. Once the confusion had been cleared up, Lor-Zod and Ursa were delighted to hear all about the kids; in fact, it reminded Clark a lot of the clone Kandorian's reaction to Faora being pregnant. Clark thought it was probably a cultural thing, but it might have just been a universal reaction to children that anyone who had just found out they were a member of an endangered species would have.

At one point during their conversation, Clark mentioned the Justice League, and then had to explain the group to Ursa and Lor-Zod. Lex contributed by only making _one_ disparaging remark about the League, and that was really more about Oliver on a personal level. Clark chose to interpret that as proof that he, Batman and Mera were wearing down Lex's resistance to joining the League. After Clark had finished his explanation, Ursa had eyed Lor-Zod pointedly and commented that maybe Nightwing would be interested in becoming part of such a group when they got back to their original size. Lor-Zod had shifted uncomfortably and hesitantly agreed. So that friendship plan was out then. On the bright side, if Lor-Zod did join the League, that would mean one more person pro Lex becoming a member too.

Eventually, Lex glanced at his watch and said, with an apologetic smile, "I'm afraid we have to go; it's time to be getting back to Conner and Lara."

Clark started, surprised by how much time had passed. "You're right, we do," he agreed, standing up as Lex did. "But I'm sure we'll come back."

"Please do," Lor-Zod said, standing as well to give both Clark and Lex a hug goodbye.

"And bring your children too," Ursa added. "I would love to meet them both."

"I think that could be arranged," Lex said, casting a look over in Clark's direction like _he_ was the one more likely to have a problem with it. "It would be good for Conner and Lara to get some exposure to their Kryptonian heritage." So that worked out neatly, at least.

Ursa gave them both hugs too, whispering in Clark's ear that she would be sure to talk to Lor-Zod about his dad before they came back. Then, after few more goodbyes, Clark and Lex headed out.

They walked down the street back the way they came, headed to where they had first entered Kandor, that being the signal to the Fortress's computer to transport them out and unshrink them. Clark had asked, when the idea of visiting Kandor to play Nightwing and Flamebird had first occurred to him, if Jor-El could just regrow Kandor to size using the Fortress's shrink ray (man, had Lex been pissed when he had found out about the existence of that). He had gotten a complicated answer about different methods of subverting the square-cube law that Clark hadn't entirely understood. The gist of it, though, had appeared to be that the Fortress's shrink ray was capable of undoing itself, but not Brainiac's shrink ray; it was something, as Clark had told Ursa and Lor-Zod, that he and the Jor-El AI, and probably LexCorp too, after this, were working on.

"Christopher Kent," Lex said suddenly and apropos of nothing.

"What?"

"It's the name Lor-Zod can assume when Kandor is returned to normal size and you inevitably take him under your wing; I was trying to keep with the alliteration theme you have going. I feel obligated to ask, though: why can't you go _anywhere_ without adopting someone?"

"Hey, you're the one who made Conner and Lara," Clark objected. Of course, Ryan, Cyrus, Bart, Victor, Shelby, Garfield, and Streaky, the cat-like creature that he and Lois had taken in from the magical country in Lex's wardrobe, were all on him.

"I made Lara. A bunch of scientists who thought they could do whatever they wanted because I wasn't alive at the time to supervise them made Conner," Lex said. "And, by the way, I'm not helping you with this one."

"Yeah, I know," Clark said. He was glad that it looked like Lex and Lor-Zod were becoming friends, but Lor-Zod was Kryptonian, so actually taking care of him was Clark's responsibility.

"I'm serious Clark. I have too much on my plate at the moment," Lex insisted.

"Yeah, I _got_ it."

"I have a company to run, and a degree to get, and Conner and Lara to take care of, and all our friendship and family plans to come up with and put into action, nto to mention there are _still_ issues I'm trying to sort out from when I was dead," Lex continued.

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks," Clark muttered. Lex obviously heard him, though, because he shot a glare Clark's way. But then he sighed and shook his head.

"Do we think we should do Shakespeare next?" Lex asked.

Clark thought of all the myriad and horrible ways that could go terribly wrong. And that was assuming they went with a comedy, not a tragedy. Then he shrugged. "Yeah, maybe."

* * *

AN2: Some comics notes: Lor-Zod, aka Chris Kent aka Nightwing, his mother Ursa, the bottle city of Kandor, and the Kryptonian date for Krypton's destruction are all actual things from the comics. I may have, however, taken some *cough*a lot*cough* of liberties to get them to fit within my story here. So, just like Smallville, realyly.


End file.
